Keep Holding On
by The Sarcastic Polar Bear
Summary: There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on.
1. Prologue

**Hi, people. I REALLY shouldn't be posting a new story since I already have Daddy's Girl, Mommy's Girl. I'm putting Bullet on hiatus for a while. Anyways, this is a short prologue, but enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Cause of Death. Oh, turd.**

San Francisco had never been known to have white Christmases.

Rain poured down from the dark December sky, landing on the ground in wet tip-tapping sounds. Ashen clouds stretched across the sky, with only a sliver of the full moon visible. It was a dreary night, thunder rumbling ominously and lightning flashing.

Most people would be in bed, lying in bed as they listened to the thunder. But some would be sitting at work, the sounds of the storm distracting them from their work.

"I hate rain," Mal Fallon muttered.

Natara Williams looked up from her file. "It's not _that _bad. But I just wish it would snow for Christmas." She sighed and gazed out the window, watching the rain fall, streaming in rivulets down the window.

"You're more likely to see Ken in a ballerina skirt than a blizzard in San Francisco," Mal said bluntly. She giggled at the mental image and took a sip from her coffee, which had gone cold. She took a moment to glance at her partner.

"Are you okay? You look distracted."

"Maybe I'm just wondering what Santa's gonna leave me."

She rolled her eyes and tossed her cup into the wastebasket next to her desk. "How cute." She closed her final file and piled it on top of the stack on her desk.

"Wanna grab a bite to eat?"

Natara arched an eyebrow. "Mal, it's late and pouring rain." The look of seriousness in his eyes changed her mind, and she smiled. "But if you pay…"

"Have you _ever _paid for your own meal?"

She grinned teasingly. "Have you _ever_ said no?" She slipped her jacket on and followed him outside. They soon found themselves sitting in their usual restaurant. It was nearly empty other than the waiters and a couple of other guests.

Their food arrived shortly, and the storm started to die down as they ate. Although she was exhausted after her long day at work, Natara enjoyed spending some free time with her partner. They hadn't been out to eat since she and Oscar had broken up, and it was the first time in a while when she felt truly at ease. A slight scowl took over her features for a moment as she recalled Oscar leaving her, but it went away quickly.

But as she looked him over, she couldn't help but notice that he seemed as distracted as she had in the past several days. He looked like he hadn't slept in several days, and he had barely touched his food. "Mal, are you really alright? Is something on your mind?"

"Maybe…"

"Is it about your father?"

"Nope." Mal took a sip of coffee and leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands and chewing his lip in thought. Natara reached out and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Mal, what is it? You can talk to me." She narrowed her eyes, studying him intently. "I know something's bothering you. And if it isn't about your father, it must be something else going on with you."

"You know, it still creeps me out when you read my mind."

She smiled softly. "It's not creepy. But come on, tell me." She pushed her plate aside and folded her arms over her chest, giving him an urging look. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, contemplating.

"Well…"

"Yes?"

"I've been having these headaches a lot lately, so I went to the doctor to find out," he began. Natara frowned, but kept quiet, allowing him to continue. He lowered his voice, and Natara had to lean closer in order to hear him.

"And?" she asked quietly. Mal looked down at his lap for several long moments before he finally looked up at her.

"I have brain cancer."

**Dun dun dun.**


	2. You're Not Alone

**Fast update! I really enjoyed the response I got. I forgot to mention that the summary and title are from the song Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne. Enjoy the story!**

The world seemed to come to a stop as the words left Mal's mouth. He had spoken softly, but his words had been dropped like a bomb, and he watched as the expression on Natara's face changed from one of concern to one of pure shock.

She prayed that she had heard him incorrectly or that she was imagining things. But his eyes were sincere, and she finally found her voice.

"Cancer...?" she whispered, her eyes wide as she processed the word.

Mal swallowed the hard lump in his throat. "Yup." He had found out the previous day, but the doctors told him they would need to do surgery before they could give him more details, and he had spent the past twenty four hours in a nervous wreck.

"Mal, I... I'm so sorry..." Natara reached out and gently rested her hand over his. "When did you find out?"

"Yesterday. They wanted to remove the brain tumor then, but I wanted to tell you first. They're doing surgery the day after tomorrow. I wanted to know if you'd come along. You know... for moral support?"

"Of course."

Mal absently poked his food with his fork. "I already told Maria and took sick leave."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow and take the day off so I can go with you. How much do you know?"

He shrugged. "That's it. They said they would know more after the surgery. I go six o clock Friday evening."

"I'll be there." She pushed her plate aside, her appetite suddenly diminished. Mal stood up from the table, and she followed suit. They climbed into his car and drove towards her apartment, sitting in silence for several minutes.

"Good night," Mal said finally, breaking the silence.

"Good night," she echoed. She started to open the door, but paused and turned to face him. "Don't worry, Mal. I'm sure everything will work out."

He nodded. "I hope so."

She patted him on the shoulder encouragingly. "You'll be fine, Mal." She gave him a quick hug before climbing out of the car. He sat quietly for a moment, watching as she slipped into her building. With a soft sigh, he drove back to his apartment and slipped into bed under the covers. Natara's words echoed in his mind.

_You'll be fine._

He only hoped she was right.

CoD-CoD-CoD

The day of Mal's surgery arrived, and the doctor had given him an anesthetic. He was lying in a stiff hospital bed as he waited for the medication to settle in. Natara sat in the chair by his side, her hand resting over his.

"Are you nervous?"

"Mm, I guess. Nothing I can't handle." He stifled a yawn. The anesthesia was kicking in, and the room began to spin. "Wow... the room's spinning..."

Natara smiled in amusement. "I'm sure it is." Before long, he had fallen asleep, and the doctor returned with a surgeon.

"Are you Agent Williams?" Dr. Lance asked. Natara nodded.

"We'll take him into surgery now. We'll let you know when he's out, alright? You can sit in the waiting room."

She nodded again and stood up. "Thank you." Although her partner was unconscious, she gave his hand a squeeze before she slipped out of the room. She settled into a vacant chair and pulled a book out of her bag to occupy herself.

The clock ticked ominously as the time dragged on. Natara nervously glanced at the clock. Mal had been in surgery for over three hours, and she hadn't received word yet. She knew that the surgery could take a while longer, but she was still deeply concerned about her partner.

He had to make it through this. He was going to be alright. Of course she knew that she could be wrong, but Natara couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

Finally Dr. Lance approached and called her name, pulling her out of her train of thought. "Agent Williams?"

Natara stood up quickly. "Yeah?"

"Detective Fallon is out of surgery. We were able to remove the tumor."

She started to respond, but Dr. Lance's face was grim as he spoke. "And...?"

"The tumor is a Glioblastoma multiforme," he said gravely. "It's the most aggressive and common malignant brain tumor. There's a chance it could redevelop."

Natara felt her stomach drop ten floors. "How is his outlook?"

Dr. Lance let out a soft sigh. "Not very good. With chemotherapy, his survival estimate is around twelve to seventeen months. Without chemo, I'd say less than six. I'm very sorry," he said sincerely. "I'll let you know when you can visit him. Would you like me to tell him?"

"No... I-I will..." she whispered, her knees weak. Dr. Lance patted her on the shoulder before he turned and left. She collapsed into a chair and cradled her face in her hands, trembling.

He could have twelve to seventeen months to live... at a maximum. Natara shuddered and shut her eyes tightly. She wanted to be the one to deliver the news to him, but she didn't know how she was going to do it.

How could she tell him that he was dying?

CoD-CoD-CoD  
>Another hour passed before Dr. Lance told her she could visit Mal. He was unconscious, and most likely would be for several hours. Natara slipped into the room and took a seat beside the bed. Mal looked so peaceful that it surprised her.<p>

She dreaded telling him what the doctor had said, but it had to be done. And she wasn't quite sure how he would handle. But eventually they would have to accept it, no matter how difficult it would be.  
>Natara let out a soft yawn and leaned back in her seat, slipping her fingers through Mal's. It was getting late, and she had been determined to stay up until he awakened. But that would be hours, and her eyes slid shut as exhaustion got the best of her.<p>

It was early in the morning hours when Mal came to. It took him a moment to remember where he was, but once he saw the blank white walls and hospital apparatus, he remembered. A ray of sunlight spilled through the window blinds, beaming into his eyes.

He let out a soft groan and leaned back against the pillows. Natara, who had fallen asleep in the chair next to him, stirred. She opened her eyes. Seeing that Mal was awake, she sat up quickly.

"Hey. How do you feel?"

He shrugged. "Head hurts a bit..."

"The doctor told me to expect that." Natara stood up, contemplating her next words. "And they ran some tests..." she began, her voice dropping. "Mal, it's not good."

He clenched his jaw nervously. He had known from the moment he had been told that he had cancer, that his life changed in the blink of an eye. He nodded, urging her to continue. Natara sat on the edge of the bed and stared into space for a moment before she continued.

"They removed the tumor. It's called a Glioblastoma multiforme, and it's really aggressive. The doctor said with chemo, you-" She closed her eyes tightly, forcing herself to keep her tears at bay. "You have about twelve to seventeen months." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

It took him several long moments to react. "Why? It's not your fault."

Natara hadn't expected him to be so calm. She had expected anger. But she watched him closely, and she could clearly see that he was struggling to control his emotions. She reached out and squeezed his hand firmly. "Just remember that I'm here for you, alright?"

And she always would be.

**Aww... review?**

**And I apologize if there's any spacing issues, because I'm using a different word processor this time.**


	3. I'll Be By Your Side

**Hi, guys! Took me a little longer this time, but here ya go! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Cause of Death.**

The next day came and went with little incident. Mal's first chemotherapy session was relatively easy, aside from the weariness he felt afterwards.

"You know, you could go home and actually get some rest."

Natara looked up from the pamphlet she was skimming over. "Don't worry about it. My apartment's a bit too cluttered to enter anyway," she said with a grin.

"I thought hospitals scared the living snot out of you?"

"No, they don't. Being a patient in one just makes me paranoid."

"So chasing a dangerous armed suspect is fine, but tiny nurses with needles are a death threat?"

Natara rolled her eyes. "Just forget it." She glanced at him. "Are you tired?"

"Yup," he said, yawning as if on cue. His partner stood and turned off the lights.

"Better?" He nodded, and Natara sat back down. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"You don't need to-"

"We just discussed this. I'm staying here," Natara interrupted. "You'd do the same for me."

"Sure would," he admitted.

Natara gave him a reassuring smile. "Just rest, alright?"

His eyes slipped shut, and she watched as he gave into exhaustion. Once he was asleep, she sighed softly. They hadn't discussed his illness since he had been diagnosed, nor what he wanted to do upon being discharged. Natara knew they would need to discuss it soon, because he would need somebody to stay with him.

Secretly, she was worried about him. On the outside, he seemed to have already accepted what was going to come. But Natara didn't fall for it. Her career involved getting into people's minds, and she knew how to read Mal like an open book. She knew he was trying to hide how he really felt, but she desperately longed for him to open up to her. It wouldn't be easy, but she had already promised him- and herself- that she would stand by him.

And that was a promise she refused to break.

CoD-CoD-CoD

The second chemotherapy session took place two days later, followed by radiation. It had been more difficult than the first, leaving him feeling weak and nauseated as he laid in the hospital bed that night.

"Mal? You still awake?"

He nodded. "Somewhat." He shifted uncomfortably. He was growing tired of being in the hospital, and longed to find himself in his small apartment once again. More than that, he wished that he hadn't been in the hospital to start. But he couldn't change that.

"The doctor says you can leave soon." The words were quite possibly music to his ears, and a small smile played on his lips. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"You sure? I mean, I'm sure taking down psychos more fun than babysitting me."

"Don't worry. I don't have a case, and Ken is taking care of the one you were on. You're out of excuses, partner."

"I guess so. So I can scurry it out of here soon?"

"If all goes well, in a couple of days. You'll need to take it easy, but yes, you'll be out of here."

He couldn't help but grin at her anxious tone. "Are you sure you're not gonna smuggle me out just so you can leave?"

"Hey, would you stop that?" his partner complained.

"Does it bug you?"

"Yes!"

"Then no."

Natara rolled her eyes. "You love to do that, don't you?" she sighed.

"Sure do," Mal yawned, followed by a soft groan that he unsuccessfully tried to cover.

"What's wrong?"

"Tired... a little sick." The doctor had warned him that the side effects from the chemo could settle in at any given time, and Mal was prepared. He wasn't looking forward to it, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. All he could do was fight back.

He rested his hand over his churning stomach, and Natara grabbed the small trash can a moment before he sat upright. She rubbed his back comfortingly as he retched into the can. When he was finished, he collapsed back against the bed with a groan. Natara fixed a glass of water and handed it to him. He took a long sip, the cool liquid relieving him as it slid down his throat.

"You okay?" Natara asked softly. He forced a nod, cringing.

"Fine..." He closed his eyes wearily. "But I'm really starting to miss my own bed and my couch."

"Just two days at the most," she promised. "Do you need anything?"

Mal shook his head, then hesitated. "Maybe some ginger ale and another pillow."

"Of course." Natara left the room, and soon returned with the items he had requested. The fizzy beverage didn't entirely get rid of the sick feeling, but it reduced it enough so that he was comfortable. When Natara offered him the pillow, he shook his head.

"That's for you. I'm sure that even this bed is more comfortable than that chair."

"I'm comfortable," she insisted. "You need it more than I do."

"I only asked for it so you would use it. Humor me."

She sighed. "Alright." She inwardly admitted that she felt much more comfortable, and Mal smirked in triumph before closing his eyes. Natara followed suit, and soon, they both slept soundly.

It was around midnight when something stirred Mal from his rest. He wasn't entirely sure what, but his eyelids fluttered open. Natara still slept in the chair next to him, her hand resting over his.

Sometimes he found it hard to believe he had such a dedicated partner. Natara had been by his side for the last couple of days, only leaving to shower or grab them a bite to eat. And he didn't know how he would ever be able to thank her with simple words.

His situation hadn't quite hit him yet. He knew what was going to come, and a small piece of him understood that. But that didn't mean he was alright with it. Another part of him, larger than the other, hadn't fully realized the situation yet. The part of him that never wanted to admit how he felt.

Denial. The first stage of grief, as Natara would say.

**Aw. Review?**


	4. I'll Take Your Hand

**Hi, guys! I am so sorry I took forever to update! This chapter is short, but I hope you like it! **

Mal was finally discharged two days later to his incredible relief, as well as Natara's. After being cooped up in the hospital, his living room was a greatly comforting environment ad he collapsed onto his couch.

"Mal, have you ever been to a grocery store?" Natara asked as she slipped into the living room. "Your fridge is almost empty."

"Yours is just as bad," he defended. Natara rolled her eyes and sat down at the end of the couch.

"Wow. This is a lot better than hospital chairs."

"At least you slightly conquered your fear of hospitals," he teased.

Natara gave him a cross look. "Don't even start. And I can tell you're as glad to be out as I am."

"Sometimes it scares me when you read my mind."

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"Have you ever been wrong?"

"Hmm. Not that I know of." Natara let out a soft laugh. The melodic sound alone was enough to make the corners of his lips curl into a smile.

"But you are right. My apartment is a lot cozier than a hospital room." Mal grabbed a small throw pillow and placed it under his head.

"You can go to your bedroom and lie down if you want."

Mal shrugged. "I'm fine here. No use wasting valuable energy just to go down the hall." He still felt weak from the chemotherapy, and he had been ordered on bed rest. But being in his own home made him feel somewhat better physically as well as emotionally.

He knew deep down that the feeling wouldn't last long. He had lost track of how many times he had been told that in as little as a couple of months, possibly more or less, he would sometimes find himself absolutely miserable. And it would gradually get worse, as if he were being consumed by a deep black hole.

Suddenly he wondered what he was going to do about work. He was instructed to take two weeks off to recuperate from the surgery, as well as several days after each session of chemotherapy. That left him approximately no time to return to work.

He shuddered, unable to stop himself. Natara glanced at him. "You okay?"

He nodded slightly, still in thought. "Yeah. Just thinking. That thing you do too much of."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"You know... this situation. And work." Mal sat up, unable to wrap his finger around the strong chance that his sick leave was permanent. "I guess I'm not gonna go back, huh?"

Natara chewed her lip thoughtfully and scooted closer to him. "You're probably right," she said softly. She herself hadn't fully considered it, but she knew that it was unlikely he would be strong enough to return to work.

"I'll have to talk to Captain," Mal sighed.

"I'm sure she'll work something out. Maybe desk work, as daunting as that sounds," Natara offered.

Mal made a face. "That sounds worse than staying home. I wanna be out there chasing the bad guys, not sitting behind a desk. I guess I'm out of options."

Natara rested a hand on his back. "I'm sorry, Mal. I really am." She knew how important his job was to him, and it broke her heart that he was going to have to leave it all behind.

"I just didn't think it was gonna be like this, you know? I always thought it would be a bullet or a bomb. But you know what? It just doesn't seem real." Mal would give anything to be able to wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

"No, it doesn't," Natara agreed, putting her arm around his shoulders. Mal leaned into her embrace, closing his eyes. Natara rubbed his arm comfortingly.

After several long moments, Mal pulled away. "Thanks, Nat."

"Don't worry about it."

"So what about you? Are you going back to work? Just because I can't doesn't mean you're stuck to me."

_Can't..._ The word echoed in his mind. He had never been the type to admit he couldn't do something. It wasn't him.

"I'll probably go back soon. But I'll try to be here as much as I can," she responded reluctantly. She had to work, but the thought of leaving him alone made her feel uneasy.

"You don't need to tie yourself to me, Natara. You have your own life."

"I know... but it's the least I can do. So let me do this, alright?"

"Alright." He wanted Natara to be there with him, but he didn't want to pull her away from her job. But when Natara made her mind, there was no changing it. It was one of the many things he loved about her.

That was yet one more thought on his mind. Was it too late to tell her that he loved her?

**I probably won't get many reviews since I took so long, but... review please? And I hope it isn't too choppy... not my best chapter, but I promise that the next will be longer, better, and sooner.**


	5. When It Gets Cold

**Hey, readers! New chapter here! Read, review, and enjoy!**

The next few hours passed as they normally, with the two of them bantering as they so often did.

"That's still not fair!" Mal grumbled.

Natara grinned. "Yes, it is!"

"I couldn't solve that thing, and you pick it up and act like it's easier than burning toast!"

"Exactly how long did you have it sitting on your table?" Natara challenged, tossing the Rubix cube from one hand to the other. Mal scowled.

"I dunno... I don't even remember when I bought the thing."

"You do know it comes with directions, don't you?"

"Yeah. And you should know that I threw them out."

Natara rolled her eyes and reached for the phonebook. "What do you want for dinner?"

He thought for a moment. "I'm in a pizza mood."

"Sounds good. What do you want on it?" Natara found the number of a nearby pizza place and dialed the number.

"Triple meat and pepperoni."

Natara frowned. "I don't care for pepperoni. How about pineapples?"

Mal made a face. "Yuck. Like I said, triple meat and pepperoni."

"But I don't want it!" Natara protested. "Fine, we'll get two. And cheesy breadsticks."

"Chicken wings," he argued. "And a beer."

"I want iced tea," she insisted.

"Excuse me...?" the voice on the other line questioned. "Will that be all?"

"Yes," Natara said quickly, glaring at Mal. He smiled innocently and shrugged his shoulders.

Natara hung up the phone, and before long their food arrived. The delivery man seemed surprised to see that the order was for only two people, but he simply accepted the money and walked away.

"We're probably the only two partners who need to order this much just so we're both satisfied," Mal commented as he opened his box of pizza and grabbed a hot chicken wing.

"We're definitely the only two who bicker over a Rubix cube." Natara gestured to the cube, which had been neglected during their pizza disagreement.

"But I know we're the most awesome. Or at least I am."

"Or so you think," Natara teased.

"Nah. I just know it."

"Is that right? Because according to you, I'm the know it all."

"Oh, you are. Don't worry. You won't lose your special role."

"Thanks for the words of wisdom."

By the time dinner was over, Mal was beyond exhausted. He felt as if he could sleep for an entire week without so much as fluttering his eyelids open.

"I'm ready to hit the hatch," he yawned, resting against the back of the couch.

"Go on to bed. I'll be sleeping out here."

"You can have the bed if you want."

Natara stared at him incredulously. "Mal, you are not sleeping on the couch!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him up. "Now go to bed. Just call for me if you need anything."

"Wow, you're bossy. I can just see a whip in your hand."

"Don't give me any ideas." Natara watched as he retreated to his bedroom. She slipped into a tee shirt and sweatpants before turning the light off and lying down on the couch, grabbing the throw blanket and draping it over herself.

Mal slipped into bed, nearly asleep before he hit the pillow. His head felt as if it weighed one hundred pounds, and his eyelids felt every bit as heavy. Yet he didn't fall asleep right away. He made himself comfortable, closing his eyes.

His bedroom was much more peaceful. Compared to the sound of beeping hospital machinery, the murmur of passing cars on the highway was a relieving sound that lured him to sleep.

Down the hall, Natara shifted on the couch, unable to sleep. She had always had difficulty sleeping in a new place, and something bothered her. Mal had seemed so calm about the bitter reality of giving up his job that it scared her. In the year that they had been partners, she realized how important his job was to him. If it weren't for his job, they never would have met.

She had always tried to avoid getting too close, but she suddenly realized that she couldn't imagine life without him. She yawned and closed her eyes, and eventually she fell asleep.

COD-COD-COD

Morning came all too soon, but it was the first night Mal had slept through in the past week. He groaned and closed his eyes in an attempt to shield himself from the sunlight. But it was a futile attempt, and he pushed the covers off with a yawn before rolling out of bed and walking out of the bedroom.

Natara was already awake, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in her hand. "Hey there, lazy. I made coffee."

"Thanks. I need some caffeine." He yawned again and poured some coffee into a mug, taking a long sip of the steaming hot beverage. He sat down across from Natara at the table. "Are you always up early?"

Natara shrugged. "I guess I am. Better than sleeping until ten every day."

"Not in my opinion."

She laughed. "Who asked for your opinion?" She put her empty mug in the sink and combed her fingers through her messy ponytail.

"I guess today's the day I go into work and... you know..." He couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence.

"I guess so. Do you want me in there with you or stay outside?"

Mal thought for a long moment. "I guess I can handle this one alone."

Natara nodded and reached across the table, resting her hand over his. "Okay. We'll probably leave soon."

"Alright." Mal stood up and left the kitchen. After a shower, he changed into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Natara knocked on the bathroom door.

"Mal, are you decent? I need to brush my teeth."

"Unfortunately, yes." Mal opened the door and Natara stepped in.

"How adorable."

"That's what I aim for." He stepped aside so Natara could brush her teeth, and as she looked in the mirror, she tried to stop glancing at Mal's exposed biceps. Fortunately Mal didn't seem to notice.

They soon climbed into Natara's car and made their way to the SFPD precinct. Mal hoped he looked more ready than he felt, because inside, he felt small and frightened. He wasn't ready. Not for leaving behind his job. Not for anything.****

**Awww... this chapter was mostly some relief from the depressingness, but I assure you, the sadness will return very soon.**

***dodges rusty forks and burning chairs thrown by readers* Uh... OW! *yells a string of made up nonsense***

**Reviews contribute to a foundation called, "Let's Make Jara Update More Than Once Every Nine Hundred Blue Moons." Working title... sorry. LOL.**


	6. Feels Like The End

**Okay, people, I have to get better at this updating business... but enjoy this for now!**

**Disclaimer: I do not, and probably never will own Cause of Death.**

**As a side note, I'm sure we all know who passed on. I won't say who, because I don't want to spoil it. But because I wrote this story before that happened, we'll pretend it didn't happen, okay?**

The moment Mal had been dreading came all too soon. Natara gave him a reassuring smile before sitting at her desk to wait for him. She wanted to be there for him, but she also respected his privacy.

Mal stepped into Maria Yeong's office, hoping that he was the only one able to hear how loud his heart pounded in his chest. He had never thought he would see this day. She looked up from her file in surprise.

"Mal. How are you feeling?"

Mal swallowed the lump in his throat and sat sown. "That's why I'm here, Captain."

Maria set her file aside. "Yes?"

Mal drew in a nervous breath and took a seat. "I guess you can tell I'm out of the hospital."

She nodded. Aside from Natara, she was the only one to know where he had been in the past week. She hadn't been told why, and she watched him expectantly.

After a brief hesitation, Mal continued. "The reason I've been in the sick bin is because they found a brain tumor. Natara's the only one who can pronounce it, but..." His voice faltered as he stared at the various squad photographs hanging from the walls. "It's cancer. Doc says I've got about a year."

An uncomfortable silence fell between them, deathly quiet. Finally Maria cleared her throat. "I assume you're taking sick leave?"

Mal nodded. "Yup... and if it's as bad as I've been told, I think it'll be permanent." The room fell deathly silent for what felt like an eternity.

Maria forced a sad smile. "Alright, Detective. I'm truly sorry. Losing you is going to be difficult for all of us."

When he finally emerged from the office, Natara had finished straightening the folders on her desk for the first time in a month. "How did it go?"

"Fine, I guess. I don't think sitting at home is gonna be much fun."

Natara nodded and stood up. There was a look in her partner's cobalt eyes that she had never seen before, and it worried her. Fear, concern, and something else. "It'll be alright."

"Maybe." He sounded doubtful. He knew that it was bitter reality, but it still felt impossible. There had to be a way around this. He had always known there would be a day when his job ended, but he had expected a bullet or a bomb. Cancer? He had never really given that idea any thought at all.

"Are you going to tell the others?" Natara knew that Mal could be a very private person, so she was surprised when he nodded.

"Might as well." They opened the door to the crime lab. Amy and Kai were wrapped in some argument, and Ken was standing by with a cross look on his face. When they glanced up to see Mal, they stared in awe.

"Hey, Agent Hottie Boom Bottie and Mal-ligator are back!" Kai exclaimed excitedly. Natara and Mal gave him sharp looks, and he quickly returned his attention to his work.

"Hey, man. Where the hell have you been?" Ken asked, casually leaning against one of the desks. Mal stole a glance at Natara, who gave him a slight nod.

"Well, uh... I guess you guys are wanting to know what's going on. I was in the hospital."

Amy looked up in concern. "Are you alright?"

Mal cleared his throat. "No. I'm not. I had to have a brain tumor removed. It has some crazy name, but apparently it was cancer. And I have about a year before I... you know..."

Several moments passed. Amy looked as if she would cry, Ken looked emotionless, and even Kai was silent for the first time that Mal could remember since meeting him.

Ken was the first to speak. "You sure about that?"

"Yup. It sucks, but it's the truth." Mal felt Natara slip her hand into his for support.

"That's awful," Amy whispered, standing up and giving Mal a tight hug. Ken patted him on the shoulder, and Kai hugged him. For once Mal didn't try to pry him off.

He and Natara left shortly, leaving the precinct quieter than it had been in years.

CoD-CoD-CoD

The next couple of days seemed to drag on for Mal. He did some paperwork, but after a particularly hard round of chemo, he felt too exhausted to even hold a pen.

"Mal, do you want dinner?" Natara asked as she walked into his living room. The mere thought of food gave Mal the urge to throw up.

He shook his head. "Not really. I don't know if that would go so well right now."

Loss of appetite, Natara thought. The oncologist had told them to expect it, but advised Mal to eat to keep his strength up. "Mal, you ought to eat something," she urged gently.

Mal groaned softly. "I really don't want to," he insisted stubbornly. Natara sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I'll eat when my stomach doesn't feel like I've been in a washing machine."

She smiled softly, relieved to see that he still had his sense of humor. "Just promise me you'll eat when you feel up to it, okay?"

Mal nodded. "Will do, Nurse Williams."

Natara stood back up. "Go on to bed. I'll be down the hall. Good night." She made her way into the kitchen and put the takeout box in the refridgerator before sitting on the couch and turning on the television, adjusting the volume so that it was nearly muted.

After watching one of the sappy Hallmark movies she secretly liked, she turned off the television and changed into her tank top and sweatpants, lying down on the couch. For a moment she was somehow reminded of the time she and Mal had gone undercover as Charles and Claudette Waldencrest.

A smile tugged at the corners of her lips. She had just broken up with Oscar, and Mal had told her the full story of his and Sandra's divorce. After their heart to heart, Natara had realized for the first time that she truly loved him.

And she was going to lose him. She closed her eyes, unable to let the daunting thought consume her. But the idea terrified her.

Sometime in the night, she was awakened by the sound of rushing footsteps. She opened her eyes groggily and dragged herself off of the couch, shuffling into the bathroom. "Mal?" she whispered. "You alright?"

"Peachy," Mal grunted as he retched into the toilet with a soft moan. His stomach churned, and he had a feeling that despite his exhaustion, he wouldn't be going back to sleep tonight.

Natara wet a washcloth and knelt by his side, gently pressing it against his forehead. Mal closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. "How's that?"

"Better," he mumbled, closing his eyes and leaning closer to the toilet. "Looks like I'll be up all night."

Natara filled a glass with water and handed it to him. He took a long sip, the water relieving the bitter taste in his mouth. His partner helped him up and led him back to his bedroom before fetching the small garbage can from the kitchen.

"Prepared, huh?" Mal yawned as he climbed into bed.

"Sure am." Natara sat down on the edge of the bed. "Try to get some rest. I'll be right here."

Mal turned to face her. "Nat, you don't need to stay up all night," he said guiltily. "You have to get some shut-eye, too."

"Shh." Natara gave him a pointed look. "You heard me, Mal. I'm staying."

And that was exactly what she did. Several times throughout the night, Mal would wake up sick. Natara was always right beside him, gently rubbing his back and holding the cool washcloth to his face.

He shivered, and Natara found an extra blanket in his closer. She placed a pillow against the headboard and laid down, putting her arm around his shoulders. Eventually they both slept soundly, her arms locked tightly around him.

**Well, y'all! Time to put on your sad clothes and hop on the Melancholy Express so we can take a trip down Depression Drive! Okay, that was corny.**

**CONGRATS! YOU'VE WON A REVIEW KIT! To use, click on the review button down there. Type a review, and hit submit. **

**I promise I'll shut up soon. But... my birthday is in two weeks on April 6th, and I would LOVE to reach fifty reviews with this chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey! New chapter! Read and review, and enjoy!**

Over the next two weeks, Natara noticed the changes quickly developing in her partner, both emotionally and physically. He started to grow distant, as if he had slipped into his own world. He was losing weight to the chemotherapy and his lack of appetite, and his skin had paled.

When she returned from the store one day, she found him sitting on the couch with a photo album in his lap. "Hey," she said, sitting down beside him. Mal didn't speak, but nodded slightly as he gazed at one of the photos.

His mother has taken it on his sixth birthday. In the picture, he held a BB gun that was nearly his size. His father crouched behind him, one arm around his shoulders. Mal was grinning ear to ear, proud of the present that his father had given him.

"I thought Mom was going to take that from me and shoot Dad for letting me have it," he said with a slight chuckle.

Natara smiled. "A six year old Mal with a gun does sound pretty bad."

"Heh. Well, Dad convinced her to let me keep it. I loved that BB gun." Mal leaned back, the photograph still in his hand. "I haven't told him, you know." Aside from their coworkers, Mal hadn't told anyone else about his illness. Not even his father. "I guess I'll have to get to that."

"I guess so. But it's your decision."

Mal set the album aside. "I'll do that later. He deserves to know. I mean, he was a lousy cop and may never get out of jail, but he was a decent dad."

As a child, he had idolized Jacob. He would tell himself that when he grew up, he wanted to be just like his dad. But when he found out about Jacob's schemes, he spent years being angry. Nothing could erase the betrayal he felt, but deep down Mal still loved his father. And he had to tell him.

CoD-CoD-CoD

When he walked into the San Quentin Maximum Security Prison that evening, Mal made his way down the corridor until he arrived in the visiting center. He sat at one side of the glass and picked up the phone.

Jacob Fallon looked up, surprised as he took in his son's appearance. "There's this great habit, son. It's called sleeping. You look like you could use it."

Mal scowled slightly. "Says the guy who told me monsters would hide under my bed if I didn't eat my veggies. That kinda interfered with sleeping when I was little." Jacob smirked. Mal leaned in closer to the glass. "I have to tell you something," he said softly, dropping his voice to nearly a whisper.

Jacob arched an eyebrow. "What?"

Mal closed his eyes for a long moment and sighed. "Dad... I have brain cancer. And it's not looking too good. I found out a couple weeks ago."

An eery silence fell between them. Jacob's expression was unreadable as he stared at Mal in shock. He prayed that he had heard wrong. Surely his son didn't have cancer.

Mal absently twisted the hem of his shirt, waiting for the silence to pass. After a long moment, he spoke again. "I guess sometime I can see what Mom's up to, huh?"

Jacob finally responded. "Mal... you're sure?" For once, Jacob Fallon had no idea what to say. He could tell by Mal's expression that this was real. Too real.

"Yeah," Mal said simply. "I'm sure." He stood up. "I'll try to come back soon." He started to leave, but turned around. "Love you, Dad."

"I love you too, son." Jacob watched as his son left. This was one of those moments when he regretted everything he had done. He hadn't been there when his wife died, and now he couldn't be there for his son. He glanced downwards to see something under the glass. He picked it up to look at it. Immediately the memory was fresh in his mind.

It was the photograph. It seemed like only yesterday he had watched as Mal triumphantly opened the BB gun he had wanted so badly.

And in that moment, he would have given anything to save his son.

**Aww... review? Anyway... tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY! Reviews make AWESOME presents!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey, readers! New chapter! I know I need to update faster, but I'm just slow old me!**

As the weeks passed, January gave way to February. The situation was finally settling in Mal's mind. It was truly happening. He wasn't going to wake up one day and find that it was all just a dream.

The fact that he spent most of his time in his apartment only made matters worse. He used to enjoy spending his weekends sleeping in on Saturday morning, but he greatly missed chasing suspects down the street.

Despite his bitter attitude, Natara refused to give in when he tried to shut her out. She still worked, but sometimes she worked shorter shifts so she could stay with him. Mal knew that she didn't like to leave him alone, but he hadn't any luck convincing her that he was fine. And of course he hadn't. Because he was far from fine. Anybody could tell. He was angry and frustrated.

Natara walked into the living room, handing him a bowl of crushed ice, the only thing he had been able to keep down. And sometimes even that was difficult. "Here you go."

"Thanks," he muttered, dipping the spoon into the bowl. "So how dull is work without me?"

"Maybe it isn't that bad," she teased. "You're right, though. It's a lot quieter than it used to be." _Understatement of the year_, she thought to herself. "Even Kai's quieter."

Mal smiled slightly. "I guess I did you a favor with that one."

"Maybe. It's almost scary," Natara commented. "Nobody's the same. They all miss you."

"Captain found anyone to fill in for me?" he asked softly. The simple thought of somebody replacing him was daunting.

Natara shook her head. "Nope. And nobody could replace you, Mal. I think everyone knows that."

"That makes me feel a bit better. Going out with a bang, I guess." His voice cracked slightly. Natara gave his shoulder a squeeze, and he tried to stifle a yawn. "I miss having energy. I thought I had another thirty years before I felt like this." He stood up wearily. "I'm think I'm gonna go ahead and get some rest. Good night."

"Okay." Natara bit her lip as Mal retreated, his footsteps heavy. Of all the people she had spoken with in her life and her career, Mal was easily the toughest to open up. She knew that he was angry, but getting him to talk about it was the most difficult thing she had ever attempted.

Mal shut his bedroom door behind him and crawled into bed, closing his eyes and letting out a heavy sigh.

As the late evening faded into night, he tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally he threw the covers off and left the bedroom, silently slipping past Natara as she slept on the couch. He made his way to the spot he always spent time when he needed to think, the roof of his apartment complex.

He gazed down at the cars on the street far below him. A soft breeze whistled, echoing faintly through the warm San Francisco night.

Everything was so peaceful, so quiet. It brought him the slightest amount of comfort, but he still felt as if a dark hole had consumed his heart. Angrily he punched the wall, muttering incoherently.

_Why?_ he thought silently. _Why is this happening?_ Again his fist met the rough brick wall. He leaned heavily against it, closing his eyes against the tears of frustration.

He was so absorbed in thought that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching him. But he didn't need to hear or look to know who had joined him.

"You think that poor wall has taken enough?" Natara whispered. Mal didn't respond as he slowly slid to the ground, his jaw clenched tightly.

"I don't get it. Why?" he looked up at her, his eyes dark.

"Sometimes these things happen. Mal, you didn't do anything to deserve this. It isn't your fault." She sat down beside him. "Go ahead and try to convince me otherwise. I know you won't listen."

Her only response was a long moment of silence as Mal clenched his hands into fists, scowling.

"I'm sick of this. I'm sick of spending the whole damn night with my head in the toilet. I just wanna be able to sleep for more than three hours every night." His voice started to rise, but he didn't care.

He wasn't sure who he was speaking to more, Natara or himself. "And I'm tired of sitting in the hospital with a needle in my hand for two hours while people tell me how important it is to stay positive. You know what? I frankly don't see anything positive about this."

Natara listened as his voice crumbled, his expression faltering. It broke her heart to see him so upset. The fear was evident in his sapphire eyes. Wordlessly she draped her arms around him, pulling him close to her. Mal tried to pull away, but after a long moment he gave in and buried his face in her shoulder, allowing a few hot tears to escape his eyes.

And for a long time, they stayed that way, Mal taking comfort in her embrace.

**Aww… but Natara's there for him! And I'm thinking about doing review replies in my next author's note, so review for an awesome shoutout!**


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